Room To Breathe
by Unlikelyshipper
Summary: Hermione Granger cannot leave her bedroom. She can't concentrate. She can't cope. As she struggles to leave her dormitory and live her life, Hermione becomes aware of the burdens other people are carrying after the Battle of Hogwarts. EWE.
1. Chapter 1

"I'm sorry… I just can't… I can't leave this room." I whispered these words through the cracked door, the sliver of Minerva McGonagall's face that I could see was making mine heat with shame. I'd asked to come back here, I'd wanted to take my NEWTs, I'd wanted to start living my life again, but now that I was back within the castle, the echoes of the war, the battle I'd thought in was ever-present. The blood still shone on the flagged stone floor in the entrance hall of Hogwarts castle. Lavender Brown's ghost wouldn't leave me alone. And the younger students couldn't stop themselves from staring. I couldn't leave my room.

"May I at least come in?" The Headmistress raised her eyebrows at me, waiting for me to open the door. I stood aside as she strode in, aided by a very ornate walking stick, topped with a very haughty looking owl. She perched at the end of the bed I had been hiding in, her eyes landing on the open half-packed trunk beside it.

"Miss Granger… Hermione, I know that you have been through a particularly difficult time, more so than most of the students that chose to return, and that the process of grief affects us all differently, and usually in many different ways, some permanent changes, some… short term burdens to deal with, but you must not lose sight of why you returned to Hogwarts." I closed the trunk and sat down on top of it, pulling my skirt down as I struggled to concentrate on the meaning of her words.

"Prof– Headmistress, I'm sorry, but I'm not the same Hermione Granger I used to be… I can't calm down, I can't concentrate like I used to, and I'm… I'm too scared to leave my room, it's the staring, and I can't cope." I let out a breath, steadying my hands on my lap deliberately, staring with dismay at the creases now in my skirt.

"There are ways… do you remember in your third year, when you wanted to study all of the subjects, and we were able to provide you with a Time-Turner for the year? If need be we can provide you with an Invisibility Cloak, or we can alter your timetable, or arrange for private tutoring–"

"I can't inconvenience people like this… I know that the Professors are giving up free periods, lunch breaks and evenings to teach us returning students already… I can't expect more of anyone's time."

"Perhaps you could give up one of your NEWTs? A slightly lighter timetable might help reduce the amount of time you are being stared at–"

"You aren't going to let me drop out, are you, Headmistress?" I sighed, a hollow smile testing the muscles in my cheeks.

"No, Miss Granger, I will not. I believe you when you say you don't think you can leave this room, and I know the position you undertook during this war has been a burden to you, and the aftermath continues to prove a burden, but you won't always feel this way, and I will not always be here to provide this opportunity to take your final exams, or to enable your career–"

"But–"

"I know you don't care at the moment, Hermione," she smiled kindly at me, the morning sun making her eyes twinkle, "but one day you will again, and will thank me. Now, here is your timetable, luckily this is a free period, but you start Transfiguration at eleven, and, as I am sure you remember, I do not brook lateness."

I silently watched as she stood, relying only lightly on the stick as she crossed my room. She turned as she opened the door, flicking her wand at the trunk, and I sprang up as the lid opened beneath me.

"I would take this time to unpack, if I were you." She gave me a small smile, and I huffed back at her as she closed the door behind herself.

I dragged my brand new diary from beneath my pillows, running my fingers across the soft cover, which held my initials. It had been a gift from Harry Potter, he'd called it an early birthday present as it was still a couple of weeks until my birthday, but he'd been using all kinds of excuses to help me out financially since I'd left The Burrow.

 _7_ _th_ _September 1998_

 _Today is my first official day back as a student of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I arrived last week, early because Ron and I have been arguing, and I knew Ginny was tired of me complaining about one brother when she has lost another._

 _Ron and Harry are both in London now, training as Aurors for the Ministry of Magic, and in accommodation close by. I miss them of course, but there is relief in not being with them. For one, I don't have to pretend to be OK. Since I've been here I've spent most of my time in this room, avoiding people, and just existing. I don't have to pretend to be strong here. I don't even have to pretend to be the Hermione Granger they have read about in the newspapers. I can be my own Hermione._

 _I'm not used to writing anymore. I don't have anything else to say._

I'd timed this precisely. I rushed around the corner, relieved to find the corridor empty as I hurried towards my first lesson, Transfiguration. As I entered the classroom, the September sun shining through the many windows, I was surprised to see so few students. Professor McGonagall had her back to the class as she stared at the blackboard, and I took the seat closest to the door.

As I heaved my heavy textbook out of my bag, I counted heads. Luna Lovegood sat on the second row, her blonde hair like strands of gold in the sunlight, her shoulders hunched as she stared out of the window. Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnegan sat in the same row, sombre in the silence of the classroom. Blaise Zabini sat behind Luna, already reading the textbook. A girl with a pixie hair cut sat beside him, and it took a moment to recognise Hannah Abbott, her strawberry blonde hair now fire engine red. I felt a gust of air behind me and flinched, expecting to see Lavender Brown again, but instead Draco Malfoy strode past me, sitting in the sit across the aisle from Zabini, just as McGonagall started the class.

I shouldn't have been surprised to see him; I'd known he would be returning this year. His parents were both serving short terms in the new wizard prison, which was on the outskirts of Godric's Hollow. It was manned by wizards and house elves, and so far was proving more successful than Azkaban had ever been. Malfoy had received a pardon, having been underage at the time of receiving the Mark, and having been able to provide some evidence of neglect on the part of his parents, but here he was, unkempt and furious.

"Today's lesson shall consist of a little assessment, as I know some of you have been absent for longer than a couple of months, and I'm certain the quality of the education received last year wasn't at its highest. Let us begin with an exam," McGonagall flicked her wand, and test papers appeared on each of our desks, "textbooks away please."

"Is that–?"

"Yes! Yes it's _her_!"

"Is she back?"

"But where is Harry Potter?"

"He's off fighting dragon's, stupid!"

"Why would he fight them when he _freed_ that dragon from Gringotts?"

I sighed wearily, hurrying out of the library with a stack of books, leaving the star-struck first years to their debate over animal cruelty. My stomach grumbled as I passed the Great Hall, the smell of gravy tickling my nostrils as I headed up the main staircase. I was tired of the running commentary, and though he was my best friend, I was tired of hearing about Harry Potter. It was all rubbish.

I headed towards what used to be Dumbledore's office. This same corridor now held accommodation for the students that had returned to Hogwarts, except the Slytherins. There was ample room in the dungeons for the returning students to sleep.

"Shit," I snapped as I dropped a couple of books outside my bedroom door. I placed the rest of them on the floor gently and held my hand on the handle until it warmed, clicking open easily. There were a whole host of new security measures in place this year, one of which was tighter security for bedrooms.

"Good job I'm not a Prefect anymore, or I'd have to report you for that." Hannah Abbott remarked drily, nodding at me as she passed me and ignoring my startled expression. I lifted my wand, and directed the offending stack of books ahead of me as I headed into my room, Hannah's door clicking shut before mine. The books set themselves down neatly on my desk as I sat shakily on my bed.

 _You did it_ , I thought, _you made it through the day_.

* * *

 **A/N: Thanks to Qoheleth for pointing out that Prefects cannot dock house points! I'm rusty at this! 3**


	2. Chapter 2

_**19**_ _ **th**_ _ **September 1998**_

 _ **When I was little my parents would throw parties for my birthdays. It was the one time a year that I was allowed sugar in huge quantities. I remember trips to the zoo, parties at my house, that one year when the weather was still warm and we had a barbecue. But they remember nothing. They aren't here to round out my memories with fact. My parents don't exist anymore, and if they don't exist…**_

 _ **When I started attending Hogwarts, we began a new tradition of having a small party the week before I would return to school. These seem like a dream now. Today I am nineteen. I feel nothing about that.**_

They were everywhere: well-wishers. I couldn't use the bathroom without a girl telling me how brave she thought I was, or asking me about Harry Potter. I couldn't even walk around the grounds of Hogwarts without running into a clump of them.

I smiled as I felt the first drop of rain on my cheek, watching as the students that had been enjoying the last scraps of autumn sunshine rushed back towards the school, and I carried on walking slowly around the lake. The rain fell on my shoulders like gentle pats and I closed my eyes to breathe in the scent of the rain and the trees.

"Is it sensible to walk around a lake with your eyes closed, Granger?" My eyes snapped open as Draco Malfoy stepped into my path. He'd been leaning against a tree. What was he doing in the Forbidden Forest?

"Is it sensible to be in the Forbidden Forest?" I stopped, my hands buried deeply in the pockets of my coat, my right hand gripping my wand tightly.

"I'd rather be here than in that castle." He nodded towards it and I grimaced. I was avoiding it too.

"This is probably the only time we will agree on something." I looked down at the lake, watching its surface leap about as the rain hit it. I felt nothing. After a moment Malfoy returned to leaning against the tree, and I glanced at him, his hair dry in the rain, his face full of… something. I couldn't tell what. _He must be using the impervious charm? Clever_.

I took a few paces, my boots squelching in the now muddy grass.

"Granger?" Malfoy called and I looked back, "Happy Birthday." He didn't smile at me, but his face didn't grimace for a moment, and I didn't grimace back at him, I nodded and carried on letting my feet be in charge. I didn't feel anything.

* * *

 _ **Dear Hermione,**_

 _ **Happy Birthday from all of us! I hope you got the presents in time, I heard the weathers been pretty bad up in Scotland this week. I hope you aren't studying this weekend, and that you at least have your nose in a book you enjoy!**_

 _ **Happy Birthday Hermione, I miss you.**_

 _ **Love,**_

 _ **Ginny xoxo**_

 _ **Dear Hermione,**_

 _ **Happy Birthday! Expect to see Kreacher at some point today with your present, I wanted you to have something but it was too big to send with one of the Ministry owls!**_

 _ **How is Hogwarts? How is everyone coping?**_

 _ **Training is exhausting. You probably**_ **would** _ **believe me about all the reading there is to do, but I couldn't.**_

 _ **See you soon,**_

 _ **Love, Harry xx**_

 _ **To Hermione,**_

 _ **Happy Birthday!**_

 _ **Ron**_

I lined up the birthday cards on my chest of drawers. I'd received Bill and Fleur's, Charlie's and McGonagall's this morning, but when I'd returned to my room a few moments ago I'd had two very battered looking owls outside my bedroom window. There was also a small pile of presents I hadn't opened.

I heard footsteps before I heard voices and hurried towards my door, closing it.

"…Highly unusual for a student–"

"I think under the circumstances it's best." McGonagall's tone was unreadable. If she knew what poker was I was certain she would have made an excellent player.

"Well, I mean–"

"I think what Professor Slughorn is concerned about is the House Cup." Malfoy's tone was dry. What was he doing up here?

"No, no, your points will still count, as a Slytherin, I'm just concerned about–" Professor Slughorn blustered.

"Horace, I think this is for us to discuss in my office." McGonagall spoke quietly, and I strained against the door. Muffled talking was the worst. Were they moving Malfoy up here?

More muffled talking. There really is nothing worse than half the details. I listened, my hand against the door, cold beneath my hand. I heard the door next to mine open, and slam closed. Had they really moved Draco Malfoy into the room next to mine?

I directed my wand at the door, going through every protection charm I knew that wouldn't interfere with the charms and spells already at work. I paced the room as I thought, poised to act. I jumped at the sound of a crash coming from Malfoy's new room, and rushed to the door.

"What the fuck was that?" Dean Thomas poked his head out of his room, directly opposite mine.

"I think it's coming from–" I nodded towards the room to my right.

"Maybe our new guest doesn't like his accommodation, but last I checked beggars can't be choosers…" Hannah's door was open and she closed it behind her.

Dean frowned, closing his door too. I glanced down at my watch. Dinnertime. I shrugged, stepping back into my room and closing the door behind me. The last thing I wanted to do was see Luna on my birthday. She knew it was my birthday and probably wouldn't talk quietly about it. I didn't want anyone to talk about it. I listened as people walked past my room.

* * *

It was almost midnight, and I was starving. I hadn't eaten since yesterday morning, and I wondered if the house elves would still be in the kitchen. Perhaps they wouldn't be, and then I could make myself something to eat without feeling guilty? My stomach rumbled in agreement.

 _No. What if someone sees you? School rules still apply to you._

I glanced at the small pile of presents. A distraction. I reached for the smallest, opening the box to find a necklace with a seashell pendent. Fleur had a lot of time on her hands now she was pregnant. I ran my thumb over it, feeling its coolness. It was beautiful. I put it back in its box and unwrapped the stack of books. _Melanie's Spells For Household Bliss: How To Make A Hovel A Home by Melanie Chambermaid. Charming: Charms For Witches Young Or Old by Delilah Enchanting._ I laughed out loud. It was so Ginny to send these.

 _ **Hermione,**_

 _ **If you need a laugh…**_

 _ **Love,**_

 _ **Ginny xoxo**_

The last present looked lumpy, like a jumper. I unwrapped it carefully and gasped, my hands clutching the fabric; The Invisibility Cloak. I gently shook it out, looking for a note.

 _ **Hermione,**_

 _ **Don't worry, I'm not giving this to you, I'm just insisting that you borrow it. Keep it safe for me.**_

 _ **Harry**_

I couldn't help myself; I wrapped it around my shoulders, staring down at the floor. I felt a spark of excitement. I could go and get food and no one would know. I could go anywhere in the castle without being stared at. I hid Harry's note under my pillow, and grabbed my wand. I draped the Cloak over me fully and whispered, "nox."

Stepping outside of my room, I looked around me; there was still a light on in Hannah's room, the light flooding out from a gap under the door. I closed my door behind me and looked both ways. Walking quietly along the corridor I froze when I saw the guard outside the Headmistresses office; he shifted about for a moment, stretching his legs before standing perfectly still again.

I tip-toed past him, moving slowly down the main staircase. I remembered times with Harry and Ron, and was grateful my journey wasn't from Gryffindor Tower. I froze again at the foot of the stairs, eyeing another two guards milling about in the Entrance Hall. I was glad I was wearing socks as I walked across it, walking as quietly as I could down the steps to the dungeons.

I was no longer grateful for wearing socks. I shivered as I tried to scurry soundlessly along the corridor, the torches flickering as I did.

"…Not so hard on your own, now are you?" I clamped a hand over my mouth, throwing myself back around the corner. _Shit_.

"You think its over because you ran away?"

I poked my head back around the corner; Malfoy was being held against a wall by two boys, both with the mean look of Slytherins despite being in their pyjamas, and a third, the ring leader, was standing in front of them, his wand held menacingly.

"I didn't run away!" Malfoy was struggling to speak, his teeth gritted.

"You ran away just like the rest of them!" The boy flicked his wand at Malfoy, who screamed in pain. Over their laughing they couldn't hear me panting. For a moment I was back on the cold stone floor of Malfoy Mansion, Draco's eyes boring desperately into mine.

"Not all of them got away did they?" One of the boys holding Malfoy against the wall jeered.

"Some of them went to Azkaban–"

"It's not Azkaban anymore, you complete cretin, it's–" Draco snapped, choking as he was pushed more tightly into the wall.

"And some of them died." The ringleader, only a sixth year I thought, was working up to something. This was completely out of hand.

I pointed my wand at him, _pretificous totalus_. I watched as he froze, falling back against the hard stone floor of the dungeons. Malfoy struggled out of the boys grips, taking advantage of their shock.

"Who the fuck is here?" The braver of the two accomplices shouted, looking in both directions. I repeated the charm again, watching as he froze, the look of cruelty fixed on his tanned face.

"Oh fuck this!" The third boy ran in the opposite direction, shoving past Malfoy as he did so. Malfoy was staring uncertainly in my direction as he walked towards me. I stepped nervously backwards, tripping on the Cloak.

"Who's here?" Malfoy was staring at where my legs had been a moment ago, and I backed into a door. I gasped when I heard heavy footsteps, panicking as I opened the door, gasping again when Malfoy followed me in, closing the door quickly behind him, and hurrying around the storeroom to hide behind some boxes. I backed into a shelf and tried to calm my breathing.

 _Was it the Ministry guards, or had the Slytherin returned with more bullies? Was Malfoy getting bullied? Or was this something more? And where was Zabini? I'd thought they were close friends, but maybe he hated Malfoy as well?_

"Whoever you are, stop heavy breathing!" Malfoy hissed, and I clamped my hand back over my mouth as the door to the storeroom opened. The guard shone his wand around the room, holding his breath for a moment. I held mine too.

"Clear," the guard called quietly, closing the door behind him, and engulfing us in total darkness. I listened, trying to get past the sound of my own heart beating wildly in my ears.

"I take it this is Potter's birthday present to you then?" I jumped when I felt Malfoy prod my arm.

"I'm-I'm just looking after it!" I hissed back at him.

"So what were you doing? Enjoying the show?" Malfoy spoke quietly, his words radiating anger and shame; I stepped away from him.

"I was hungry. I was coming to find food–" I started.

"Dinner and a show." Malfoy snapped.

"–Without being stared at. And don't take it out on me that–" I carried on talking, trying to ignore his bitter jabs.

"That what, Granger? That I'm being bullied? I bet you can't wait to crow to Weasley about this can you? Nasty Malfoy, getting what he deserves–" Malfoy was getting worked up, his voice getting louder.

"Shhhhh!" I pushed him backwards, back towards the boxes he'd been hiding behind.

"Does it feel good to you, seeing me in pain?" He gritted his teeth, trying to be quiet.

"I don't know, I could ask you the same couldn't I?" I snapped back, pushing him behind the boxes as the door to the storeroom opened again. I leaned back carefully into the shelf behind me, this one full of different flours and powders.

"I thought you'd checked this one?" Both guards stood in the doorway now and I begged silently, _please just leave, please don't look for us, please don't find me and Malfoy in a cupboard together_.

"Yes, I just thought I'd heard a noise."

"That's old Slughorn huffing and puffing," the first guard chuckled, the sounds of arguing in the background.

"We better let McGonagall know," they sighed in unison as they closed the door once again, and I sat down on the floor beside Malfoy. We had to wait for them all to leave.

The silence stretched on between us as the sounds of activity died down outside our hiding place.

"It didn't," Malfoy whispered in the darkness, and I shivered, standing up and jiggling my right leg until the pins and needles stopped.

"It didn't what?" I whispered, confused. _I need to get to bed_.

"It didn't feel good to see you in pain," Malfoy whispered again, the darkness covering our faces. I marched to the door, checked for guards, and closed the door behind me. I felt nothing.

* * *

 **A/N: Thank you to those that read my first chapter. I hope you enjoy this one.**


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